New directions

So I’m going to be starting a new blog. I’m not telling anyone how to find itbecause I’m really hoping to useit as my own personal vent space where I don’t have to worry about blowback. Cause you know, sometimes you just need to get stuff off your chest, right? Just because I’m venting doesn’t mean that its something that needs to be addressed or changed or fixed or anything like that, it just means that I’m pissed off or frustrated, or annoyed or just plain irritated about something. I just need to VENT, you know?

Why am I starting a whole new blog for this? Well one of the things that have been irritating me is that nobody I know ever really reads my blog. The last few posts I’ve done here have only been read by two people that I know of, beyond that all I’ve gotten are porn hunters and spam-bots. So I’m starting from scratch. I’m not telling anyone where to find it because, well, if you really want to know, you can go and search for it yourself. Otherwise I really would rather just have blind comments on my stuff.

Anyway, I hope you all have enjoyed reading my ramblings and there may still be more to come but for the most part I’m just going to be using my vent blog from now on. If any of you still read this stuff please, leave a comment or send me a message or something and when I’m feeling a bit more comfortable with my own mind I’ll be sure to send you the link so you can come laugh at me and my stupid issues.

Loves to all and I miss you my friends… you know who you are!

Pain and Insomnia

So here I am again. It’s almost 430 in the morning and I can’t sleep. My back is killing me. I’m stuck here thinking. I hate thinking. I really really hate thinking. Lot of stuff going on romanticly speaking. But I’m working through all that. I think I’ll leave that for a different post though… maybe. Tonight though all that is coming to mind are my friends, or lack thereof. Had a convo with wifey the other day and she says that I’ve been focusing more on quantity rather than quality. She might be right. Back in high school, I had a lot of what I thought were decent quality friends. But I’m not in high school anymore. I have a couple of really good friends, but, its the friends that I’ve lost that’s really got me down. My ex W and here now ex J never talk to me anymore. There isn’t any hard feeling between us over how it all ended, but we have pretty much drifted apart. And it kills me.

Also some of the new friends I’ve made over the past two years have pretty much disappeared as well.and I have to wonder if there is just something about me that drives people away. Ruby doesn’t really talk to me anymore. Don’t know what happened there. Everyone I used to chat with online has pretty much forgotten me, but that is to be expected. Pain killers are working there magic here so I can’t really think of everyone else at the moment. Sufficed to say, I have to wonder if its even worth it to try and make any more friends. If I’m just gonna end up driving them away, then what’s the point?

I just want some friends that I can go hang out wit on any given day without having to keep time. I’m tired of being so damn busy. Is it really just too much to ask that I can get a couple more of MY friends together with the rest of us to drink and play and relax? Gods know that I try but everyone is always too wrapped up in there own stupid crap. I miss the days where there was nothing more important than the bond of friendship. But I guess those days are over.

A great day

It’s not often I have really great day. I don’t mean those days that are like Heavenly goodness and blessed by the gods and everything, I mean those days that you spend the vast majority of the time just plain being either content or just plain in a damn good mood. This was one of those days. Went up to denver to just just hang out and window shop and stuff with the girls. Bought a couple of things for the house but pretty much we just spent the day together. And it was great! This was probably just one of the best days I have had in the past couple weeks. We’re on our way back home now and we are all still in just plain good spirits. I can’t think of any plausible way that this day could get any better…. but I’ve got a couple of really naughty ideas………… hehehehehehe.

The longest seconds

Anyone who has ever waited to get off work, or out of class, or just plain waited for anything, knows what this sentiment means. It’s about those times when you are so close to an event, or point in your life, that time just seems to slow down. They can be the most painfully excruciating seconds in your life or they can be the most beautiful and wondrous moments in history.

Lately, my life has been filled to the point of bursting with these moments. I have been stuck in a holding cycle for so long now that I don’t know if I can start moving forward again. It’s not that I don’t want to, far from it, but I don’t know how anymore. I don’t know what steps to take or what words to say in order to get everything moving again. And it’s starting to impact everything in my life. I can’t think properly. I can’t feel anything but fear and guilt. Fear of making the wrong choice. Fear of destroying everything by sticking my foot in my mouth. Fear of losing everything. Guilt for being stuck. Guilt for not knowing what to do. I know of things that I could do, choices I could make, things that need to be done, but I’m so afraid of the possible out come that I end up doing nothing.

There is no way that I can ever prove how hard I’m trying to better myself for their sake. No way I can prove how much I need and want them. And while I’m sitting here thinking of what to do, these seconds are turning into hours and days. problems are being solved before I even can figure out that there is a problem. All I can do is react anymore, and I’m not even doing that properly. I wish that all of these issues came with a manual. It’s kind of sad to me that I feel like I need tech support for my life. I know that we will all be able to get through this, I just don’t know how.

How do I help fix the issue when I’m not entirely sure what the issue is to begin with? Does it even really need to be fixed? How do I overcome the heartache of being useless? I know that I just need to be myself with all of this but I don’t even know who I am anymore. How can I help them if I can’t even help myself? Why should they help me when I can’t even figure out how to help them? For the past two months I’ve felt like nothing more than dead weight. I can’t do anything right. It seems like no matter what I do, all I accomplish is to make things more complicated, more difficult, more painful. Why do they choose to stay with me even though I just make a mess of everything?

I need to stop stressing so much. I need to go back and find who I was, the person they fell in love with, and kick him in the head and tell him to get his ass in gear cause I can’t do this without him anymore. I need to be able to remember who I am. Until then I feel as though I should just shut my mouth and stop talking. But I can’t do that. That’s not helpful, and it doesn’t fix anything. I feel so damn conflicted about myself that all I can do is sit there and stare off into the distance like some vegetable in a psych ward and I don’t know how to break that cycle. Cause it feeds on itself. The longer I sit here doing nothing, the more lost and confused I get and the more I hurt the ones dearest to me. I need a way out, but no one can give it to me, I need to find it on my own, otherwise it will just draw me back in later on down the line.

I’m tired of being the one making things worse. I’m tired of hurting them. I need to change, but I need to be able to change in such a way that I don’t lose those qualities in myself that brought them into my life. I can’t afford to lose this battle, because if I do, I will lose everything valuable in my life.

May the Gods have mercy on me and grant me the clarity I need to make it through this struggle as unscathed as possible. I love my Girls more than anything in this world, and I hope that they can bare with me long enough to see this through to the end.

Ridiculous Religious Banter

It’s just plain getting out of hand!! I mean, really people? Ok, I know that I’m not exactly the type of person to normally care what those cult members of the church think, but seriously guys, come on!!

That’s right I am a Bi-Sexual Necromantic Pagan in a Polyamorous relationship….. Not exactly Christian friendly am I? However, I was raised in a Christian Protestant house hold. I’ve read the Bible. And I’ve gone to church on more than one occasion. I did not reject the faith out of hand, or even for the sake of just being rebellious. I was in the choir. I was an alter boy. I paid attention. in the end I really just couldn’t get behind the singular god belief. One god, that watches over everyone and ignores them until they very truly deserve it? then there’s the whole “he will forgive us all as long as we ask for his forgiveness” thing…. ok, I don’t know of a single person that when faced with the end of there life doesn’t turn around and ask to be forgiven.

Anyway, I’m off track….. This all started because my wonderful father has been posting political rambling stories on his FB Page randomly. No he doesn’t write them. it’s just his way of pointing out how stupid our governmen is and calling attention to the few intelligent and responsible people we have in office. Today however, he found a page that actually even made me read through. and I scoffed. I laughed. and then I got mad.

Christians, Catholics, and all you other Judaic retards out there…… How stupid can you be?

Now I know that there are some very open minded and reasonable Christians out there. I’ve met them. They are my friends. Hell I was raised by them!! But you numbskulls who sit there and believe that if you pray hard enough, and believe strong enough that “god” will heal all your ills and fix all your problems, just because you belive he exists…… no no no no no no no no no NO!!!!! you people need to be euthinized by a megalomaniac computer named GLaDos.

Faith healing is bullshit. I don’t even know a single pagan or witch that belives in something as stupid as that. things don’t improve JUST because you want it to! you need to do something about it as well!!! “oh no. I have broken my leg. It’s alright though. I strongly belive and trust in the almighty power of the god shububu and I know deep in my heart that if I use the awesome gift of my higher brain functions and ask him ever so politely that he will come do from the heavens and cast light upon me, magicly returning my limb to it’s normal and fully recuperated functionality.” BAH!! bah I say. Rubbish.

Let me say this in Christian speak so that you all may understand properly. Your GOD did not give you the gift of an ever evolving mind and years and years and years of history so that you could turn around and do something stupid like believe that you could live on nothing but faith.

Ya’ll are just plain dumb… just sayin’

Grr Arg and Moo. New digs and updated News

So……. it’s been a while, huh? what have you slackers been up to? really? that’s cool. me? Well, let’s see….. from that last time I posted I think it’s gone something like this….

My Gf Broke up with me because her Wife was having issues, moved on, had a playmate for a while, until she went nuts or something and completely changed her personality, then she left, was lucky enough to find another Gf and this time it’s actually working out, I’ve moved from that crap ass apartment into a nice big brand spanking new house in a awesome part of town and now everything is starting to settle down and finally feeling …… good. really really good. All is as it should be.

I’ve lost track with some old friends, and I’ve made some new ones. we’ve gone through financial crisis and come back around to be in a very comfortable place with it. I now work from home with an search engine company. and all the kids are finally getting along. All in all everything is turning out well.

I’ve also had some really shitty things happen during the time I was away from you all, and it all still really pisses me off, but I’m not going to go into it…… not yet anyway.

Anywho, I’m gonna try (again, geez I say that a lot don’t I?) to get better about posting here more often. We’ll see how that goes though. Till then, take it easy all.

WoW and snow

I’ve been Shanghai’d into playing WoW with Wifey and Diasia…… I’ve been avoiding playing for quite a long while. I’ve had a big issue with starting games like this because I’ve always seen people getting into the game and then forswearing all other social interactions. My problem started with Everquest, or EverCrack as I call it. A friend of mine used to spend the better part of his day on the game just running around doing pointless things just for the sake of “reaching that next level!!” Personally I’ve always liked playing games with story lines, you know, ones that have end goals? Goals that are reasonably reachable within a decent amount of time? Like Final Fantasy, sure it can take the better part of a month to get half way through the game, but it keeps you engaged much like a good book. WoW however strikes me very much like the Lord of the Rings books, %90 of your time is spent walking from one area to the next. Doesn’t sound like a whole lot of fun to me. But I’m gonna get into it anyway, because it’s kinda discouraging when everyone else in the house is playing and you’re left looking at a blank screen with no idea of what to do next. Plus, it’s cheaper than getting a new video game every other day for the PS3 or Xbox 360.

On another note…. it started snowing today. Approx 20-30 minutes ago….. and it’s already covering the ground and cars fairly thick. I hate snow…. with a bloody passion I hate snow. Most people would ask why I moved to and stayed in Colorado if I hate snow so much? Well, I didn’t move here by choice. I’m a Air Force brat, and when I was 12 my mother and step-father got stationed here, and subsequently I was dragged along. Why did I stay after turning a legal age? Well…… money is a big factor in that, I actually did try to move away a couple years into my marriage to Wifey, however it didn’t work out and we had to move back because this is where all of our support structure was. so there you have it…. I’m stuck here. Until we can afford to move and afford a place to live, we’re not going anywhere.

So, for the foreseeable future I will be sitting here, grumbling through WoW and avoiding the outside world until spring is in full swing as much as possible…….. anyone wanna come hang out?? Please?

Wanton Wednesday: Manliness

  Hi! This is The Slutty Friend and Kittengrl presenting Syr84′s Wanton Wednesday for this week.  Syr has a way of standing around the house and doing the ‘James Dean lean’ so often that we thought we should share the sexiness.  In this photo he had just gotten out of the shower a little bit before.  His hair is still damp, he smells fresh and manly, and his shoes aren’t on yet.  I think anyone would agree, that while he is completely clothed, this man can pull off wanton with the tip of a hat and the curl of a lip.

losing yet again

Slave has walked away. After a week of not being able to talk to each other, she had time to think about the situation I presented her with. She has decided that it’s not one that she can be a part of. There are certain key things that I just can’t do for her, and I’m sorry that I can’t do or be what she wants. I respect her decision though. It hurts that yet again I am losing someone that I deeply care about, but after everything I’ve been through over the past few months, maybe it’s for the best.

I’ve realized that I really need to work on reigning myself in. I’ve been going a bit overboard and it’s hurting my marriage. I’m hurting My Wifey by trying to be beyond my emotional means. Yes, I’m poly. No, Wifey isn’t. We’re trying to find a middle ground but it’s still a ways off. Right now I need to focus on that. I need to focus on what is important right now. And that means I need to focus on Wifey. There are many things that I want though, and those things are always going to be there.

I want to have a successful poly relationship. I want to have 1 or 2 serious GF’s with Wifey. I want Wifey to have a BF. I want my life to work the way it should. But in order to do that, I need to work on Me and Her first. I know I’m broken. I’m not right in the head. I have issues. I’m a few bolts short of a working engine. I have no patients and I’m trying to play the waiting game. I’m stressed, heart torn, and so very very tired. But this is something I have to do. I’m not sure how I’m going to do it, but I’ll do it. For the sake of my marriage and my Wifey, I’ll do whatever it takes.

On a more positive note, I have a new car. a WORKING car! there is nothing majorly wrong with this car, and it’s alll mine!! granted I have to use MY car to drive EVERYONE around now, but it’s worth it just to be independently mobile again. it has a few minor annoyances with it, but nothing a trip to the junk yard won’t fix. Plus, Financially we are stable again. I don’t know for how long, but at least now I know that we can do it. And we did it all on our own. We don’t NEED anyone anymore. Diasia lives with us because we WANT her to, not because we NEED her to. Granted she needs us for right now, but that’s ok. We love having her here. We don’t want her going anywhere. EVER! She works well with us, she’s great with the kids, she communicates beautifully, and the only time she “disappears” is when she’s at work, her meds have kicked in, or she’s out with friends. And half the time she invites us to go with her!!! We’ve been out of the house more times in the past 3 weeks than we have in the past 3 months!! And it was together, as a family. I don’t think we’ve been this happy in quite a while.

I still miss Ang and J. I’m going to miss Slave painfully. I’m still hurting, but I think I’m finally going in a direction that I need to be going. I’ve had to stop going to College again. The universe has beaten me ’bout the head and shoulders and told me that it is not my time to get educated yet. So it’s back to stay at home dad mode again. Time to stock up on movies and vidiot games. I might even start cooking again. Hell, I might even start drawing again, wouldn’t that be something? I need a drafting table though…… lame.

Anywho, even though my life is pretty beat up at the moment, I’m on the right road now. Let’s see where it leads shall we?

The lessening of stress

It has been really rough lately. Like REALLY rough. Ang and J are officially in their new apt upstairs. Diasia is officially moved in with us. So socially things are much much better. Emotionally, things are still in process. I’m no longer dealing with the pain of losing Ang, not that I don’t still hurt or feel for her, but I’m choosing not to deal with it right now. I just don’t need that stress. Wifey is going through a lot of…. I guess you could say “transitional” pain? We’re working on adjusting our lifestyle so as to get the most happiness for both of us. It’s a rocky path, but I’ve got my boots on and I will hold her hand (and butt, and boobs, and….) the entire way. I wouldn’t know what to do if I ever lost Wifey. Diasia is doing much better with the new living arrangement. It’s still pretty cramped in the house, but it’s working a lot better.

Now we’re just dealing with fiscal stress. Both of our cars are still broken. We still don’t know what’s wrong with the Beast (our van) and just found out yesterday that the car cannot be fixed in our financial future. For those automotively inclined: while putting the rack and pinion back into the car (through the wheel well no less…… grrr) I realized that as I was removing the old part, the driver’s side bracket screws had snapped off with a portion of the firewall where they were mounted. So… can’t remount the one side. Not safe. Repair made useless. Time to get the money back off of the part. Grrr.

However, thanks to craigslist, I was able to find a newer (93) car for a grand. Theoretically nothing is wrong with the vehicle. Most it might need is a tune up a couple months from now. Good car, good condition, good price. Good. Bad part? It’s standard transmission…… who in my house can drive standard? me……… just me. I don’t care. I’ll drive everyone around and play taxi again if it means that I can have my own mobility again. Besides, I’ve been meaning to teach Wifey how to drive stick anyway. And after I’m done teaching her, I’ll teach Diasia as well. I’m good with this. Not great, but good.

Slave is still planning on coming out in Oct. This is good. I can’t wait until I can see her again. It’s gonna be kinda rough while she’s out here, what with working around Wifey’s comfort levels and trust issues, but it will be worth it. I will be dancing the Polyamory shuffle like nobodies business, but it will be worth it. I really really want and need things to work out between Wifey, Slave and Diasia. They don’t have to be perfect, but as long as I have all of them with me, my mind becomes a much easier thing to keep a handle on. Side note….. As of now (as far as I know) Diasia and I are NOT dating. We’ve talked a couple of times about the development of feelings between us, but ultimately we are leaving it to be decided at a later time until everything has calmed down enough that we can live rather than fight to survive. As far as relationships go, I need to focus on Wifey and Slave right now, and work to make everything right there. This may be a futile endeavor but if it leads to strengthening my marriage and at least the possibility to having Slave permenantly back in my life, even just as a friend, it’s worth it. I’m hoping for the best but expecting very little.

Ok, all drama aside…… Good things!!!! Wifey and I were able to make a few techie purchases before money became imaginary again.the most important of which being new phones….. and they are sooooooo sexy!!! we both got the new Samsung Vibrant and it is so awesome it’s ricockulous! We also upgraded our wireless router so we could stop dropping internet at random points in the house. Now many of you are probably sitting there going, “why are yo spending such an ungodly amount of money on phones when you need to be fixing your car situation?” well the answer is kinda simple. We had already put aside the money to fix the car’s, then we bought the phones, Then we found out that the cars were gonna take more than we had put aside. The car situation is about to be taken care of anyway though. I’m buying us a new car tomorrow afternoon and with any luck the van will be running again after Saturday. all of this has pretty much tapped us for now but it’s well worth it to be mobile again.

at any rate, things are looking up and hopefully will keep getting better.